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Its tough to stay motivated but it feels great when I accomplish something! ^_^ #weightlossjourney #weightloss #losingweight #health #fitness #staymotivated #makegoodchoices

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#selfie #boredom #boringfridaynight #smile

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#goals #weightlossjourney #weightlossgoals #losingweight #lifestylechange #health #fitness

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     My ex still lives with me til he can support himself.

     I am a problem. Never thought that would be me.

     This is a mistake. Not a clean enough break. I am so stressed out. My habits are a battlefield. I am fighting to find stability of mind but all that happens is explosions, one after another. I have no self-control with my anger. I have no self-control with my language. I say the most hurtful things the second I feel slighted in any way and I greatly overreact. 

     On a rampage, my mind says things like, “shut up, what are you saying? that was such a terrible thing to say. you sound like a crazy person. you are making no sense. you are struggling to even connect thoughts.” But my mouth continues to side with my anger, my head feels like it’s going to explode, at times I scream bloody murder. It’s not until later that I start to feel really bad. But my apologies mean nothing anymore.

     I am so frustrated, so often. And my reactions are going to kill me one day. 

     I am not supposed to be the one with the problem. I am not supposed to be the messed up one. I’m supposed to be the nice girl, the sweet girl, the girl who would do anything out of her way to make someone happy. She was taken from me. I have to find her again.

     I NEED HELP.

     I feel like I’m headed in the right direction as far as making my way to physical health. But mentally… I don’t know what to do other than be alone. I am mean to the person I am supposed to love. People might tell me that I need therapy, but who can ever afford that? I’ve got to fix me! :’(

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2 weeks down. A lifetime ahead of me. I think I like where this is going! ^_^ #weightlossjourney #weightloss #losingweight #lifestylechange #lifechange #makegoodchoices #motivation #happiness #health #fitness

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Everything in moderation! This is something I need to work on from this point forward. I’m sure I made some progress in the last two weeks. I’ve been eating 98% healthy food. But portion control will help me reach my goals faster! #portioncontrol #properfoodportions #eatright #cleaneating #weightlossjourney #weightloss #losingweight #weightlosstips

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Breakfast. Avocado Deviled Eggs. Grapes. #healthymeals #paleo #paleofood #cleaneating #makegoodchoices #weightlossjourney #weightloss #losingweight #lifestylechange #lifechange

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Some people say:

      “Love yourself inside and out no matter what your size.”

In general, I do believe that to be true. But I also believe that loving myself means treating myself properly. Treating my body properly by choosing meals that are good for me, and by keeping myself active to obtain optimum physical health. If I lead a healthy lifestyle in general, that is loving me physically no matter what size that brings me to naturally.

Loving myself also means loving my whole being, the person I am. I know this, and yet I tend to over criticize myself and beat myself up mentally. My marriage left emotional scars that I try hard to cover over. I always felt unloved, unappreciated, worthless, inadequate. I felt this to such an extreme degree, sometimes I would think about hurting myself. I couldn’t figure out why my husband couldn’t treat me the way I imagined a husband should treat his wife. A lot of times those painful feelings resurface and display themselves in ways of anger. I’m tired of being angry, which is a big reason why I had to remove myself from my last relationship. I am in the process of helping me, believing in myself, knowing that I AM A GOOD PERSON! I AM GOOD ENOUGH! I DESERVE GREAT THINGS! I AM WORTH IT! 

It’s something I have to keep reminding myself until I truly believe it.

So as an exercise, here are some good qualities that I think I possess:

Caring

Kind

Loving

Honest

Helpful

Creative

Funny

Smart

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Pushed harder today, getting faster, but I got lazy and cut out sooner. Better something than nothing though! … General happy tired feelings ^_^ … #workout #weightlossjourney #weightloss #fitness #health #losingweight

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Dinner. Grilled chicken basted in homemade honey and mustard sauce and sprinkled with pecans. Sauteed asparagus. I could eat asparagus like popcorn. Love it. #healthymeals #healthyeating #weightlossjourney #weightloss #losingweight #lifestylechange #lifechange #paleo #paleofood #cleaneating